Forgiveness or Reconciliation

1) What is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation and why is it

important to distinguish between the two?

(Definitions takenfrom Webster's dictionary):

Forgiveness (heart issue-required of us by God): to pardon, to exact neither punishment

nor redressfor orfrom

Reconciliation (up to God): Cause to befriendly again, adjust or settle, bring to acceptance

In human relationships reconciliation requires forgiveness but forgiveness does not require

reconciliation. Our forgiveness of the offender should not be contingent on the their

willingness to participate. In our relationship with'God, reconciliation with Him requires

that we forgive others. As long as you have forgiven, you are reconciled to God.

a) To glorify God: When we humble ourselves and forgive someone whether or not they

deserve it, we are emulating Christ and we remain reconciled to Him. Because many

Christians conftise forgiveness and reconciliation, they may persist in trying to reconcile a

relationship that is not a godly one because they think that reconciliation must follow

forgiveness in order for it to be authentic. This will dishonor our witness for Christ as it may

delay our forgiving another and makes our forgiveness contingent on the other person's

actions/attitude, rather than solely on our gratitude and dependence on God. Although we are

always called to forgive, it is not always in our power, nor is it necessarily wise to continue

trying to reconcile a relationship. For example, some relationships with non-believers are

inappropriate/dangerous. God may be calling a Christian to lovingly walk away (temporarily

or permanently) from close association with a non-believer for their own good, or to treat the

relationship as a ministry opportunity rather than as an intimate friendship. Also, in

relationships with -unrepentant believers, it may-be impossible to reconcile~ if the person will

not or is not ready to admit their sin.

b) To live in peace. God is very precise in His word about how he wants us to handle

relationships. When we are clear, we can live in obedience to His directives, enjoy peace and

bring glory and honor to His name. Life will be confusing, painful and chaotic if we a) try to

reconcile a relationship with someone who is not ready, and/or b) wait until they are willing

to reconcile before we forgive them.

2) What kind of attitude does God call Christians to have toward situations or

relationships in which there are conflicts?

(Romans 12:18-21, Hebrews 12:14-15, Colossians 3:12-17, Romans 5:1-11, Proverbs 19:11,

Matthew 6:14-15, Matthew 18:15-18,21-22, Philippians 2:1-8,14-15, 4:2-10, Deuteronomy

31:6)

a) Be forgiving and gracious. Always be willing to forgive rtrst, iustas Christ first forgave us.

Look at conflict as an opportunity to reflect Christ and to glorify God through your attitude

and actions.

b) Be humble. Avoid pride. Take responsibility. Before confronting the offending party look at

your own contribution to the conflict. Take the log out of your own eye first and confess your

sin to God and the person.

c) Be loving. Always speak the truth in lQve. Many times Christians have a right to be angry

(righteous anger) but lose their credibility and their witness because of how they handle their

anger (they are more concerned about getting the apology -pride/selfishness-than forgiving

the offender), thus joining the offender in sin.

d) Be courageous. Many people are afraid to approach a person when they have sinned against them and it warrants confrontation. Instead, due to fear and/or selfishness, they choose to harbor resentment, deny the pain or gossip to other people. This causes a rift in the Christians relationship with God and dissention in the body of Christ, destroying the safety of community. Be bold and seek out a fellow Christian to admit your sin.

e) Be wise. Pick your battles and your timing carefully. Not all conflicts require confrontation. Timing is everything. Sometimes forgiveness is a work in progress.... God looks at the heart. Reconciliation may also take time. Choose the right time to approach/confront a person, preferably after much prayer (for Holy Spirit guidance), and when you have forgiven and are no longer angry.

f) Be peaceful and willing to reconcile and trust again. Should the offending party be willing (repentant and ready), be prepared to reconcile and give the relationship a chance to grow and regain trust.

3) What are some actions Christians can take to ensure that they handle conflict in a way that honors God? (James 1: 19-20, Matthew 18:15-18, 21-22, Matthew 7:3-6, Ephesians 4:15-27, 1 Chronicles 28:9)

a) Renew your mind about conflict. Many people have a negative view of conflict because they rarely see it resolved in a positive way and have been hurt so many times. Practice seeing conflict through the eyes of faith/not fear. Relationships without conflict, due to denial or fear, or relationships with unresolved conflicts are shallow and do not glorify God. A relationship that has conflict and reconciliation is a healthy one that best reflects the gospel.

b) Practice Humility. Embrace conflict as an opportunity to forgive (to be like Christ) and to grow. Remember that Christ forgives you everyday and has already paid the price for your sin as well as your brother's sin. We are most exemplary of Him when we forgive.

c) Check your motives for confrontation. Confrontation should be a selfless act. It should be done for Christ's sake, the sake of the other person and the community. Do not confront with the expectation of an apology or to be right, but rather with the goal of restoration and to let the offending party know that you are sorry, have forgiven them or are working on it.

d) Listen/Think before you act or speak. Try not to be reactive in anger when someone offends you. Sometimes the offense is not worth pursuing or holding on to and time spent thinking before acting is time well spent. It may be that with a little rest and retrospective thought you can overlook the offense and forgive without having to confront.

e) Pray about the offense. Perhaps God is using the situation to tell you something about yourself or He wants you to seek His guidance about the best way to handle the offense. Learn to communicate well and speak the truth in love. Develop the skill of choosing words that will relay a loving message when someone has offended you. This will include depending on the Holy Spirit to guide you and help you to have self control. Developing this skill might require seeking counsel and/or writing out your thoughts/feelings to deplete anger and ensure proper presentation.

g) Learn to discern when to confront and when not to confront. We should always apologize when we have knowingly sinned against a person but some offenses against self do not require confrontation. Ask God to show you which do, and have the courage to confront or to let go of the offence.